Why “Just Ask for Help” Isn’t Always Helpful for Postpartum Moms

If you’ve had a baby, you’ve probably heard, “Make sure you ask for help.” It’s usually coming from a good place, but as a mom and postpartum therapist, I’ve realized that most postpartum moms already know they need help. The hard part is figuring out what you need, who to ask, how to ask for it, and sometimes even managing the “help” once it arrives.

There are already so many little things running through your head postpartum. When did the baby last eat? When is the next nap? Are there clean bottles? Do we have diapers? When did I last eat? Add sleep deprivation, recovery, appointments, visitors, and everything else, and even “What can I do to help?” can feel like another decision you have to make.

That’s why I think there’s a difference between offering help and actually taking something off a mom’s plate. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try, “I’m bringing dinner Thursday—what sounds good?” Instead of “Do you need anything from Target?” try, “I’m going to Target. Send me what you need, and I’ll drop it off.”

And sometimes the help she needs isn’t holding the baby. It’s washing the bottles, bringing lunch without expecting her to host, taking the older child out, folding laundry, or noticing something that needs to be done and just doing it.

Asking for help can also bring up more than logistics. Maybe you’ve always been independent. Maybe you hate feeling like you’re inconveniencing someone. Maybe part of you thinks, Other moms handle this. Why can’t I? Or maybe asking your partner for help doesn’t feel very helpful when you still have to notice what needs to be done, ask, explain, and follow up.

I see this with moms in therapy, too. Sometimes they don’t need to learn how to ask for help. We’re talking about why receiving help feels uncomfortable, why they feel responsible for everything, or why resting while someone else takes over brings guilt instead of relief.

And postpartum support isn’t only about meals, laundry, or sleep. Sometimes a mom needs someone to ask how she is doing and actually want the real answer. Postpartum anxiety, intrusive thoughts, irritability, sadness, constant checking, or simply not feeling like yourself can be happening even when everything looks completely fine from the outside.

So instead of only telling postpartum moms to ask for help, I think we can get better at showing up. Bring the food. Wash the bottles. Take something off her list. Ask about her, not just the baby.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for a postpartum mom is take away one decision instead of giving her another one to make.